House M.D.

That has been what my whole life has consisted of lately. I wasn't in my apartment when I woke up this morning and was nowhere near a scale, so I'm going to weigh myself in the morning. I had the day off. I cleaned a bit, edited a bit, realized my last pork chop was bad and that it was literally the last ounce of food I had in my apartment, so I had a random trip to the grocery store.

So here's the thing, I've decided that if I'm ever going to be a successful adult and work through my anxiety without a therapist (until I can afford one which will be in the next couple of months, fingers crossed) I have decided that I'm going to push myself.

This, as corny as it is, has actually been in the back of my mind for the past two weeks:

I had a weird childhood. I grew up really fucking fast and I hated it, to be honest. But, I'm 22. I'm not dead. I have no kids. I have no "real" obligations to be honest, so why do I care? Life's rough for me right now, but it's never really not been. So instead of letting everything make me upset, why can't I just work on me?

Today I bought two avocados so that I can try my hand at making guacamole. That doesn't seem like a huge deal, but I don't really travel outside of my comfort zone at all.

Yesterday, I posted a picture on instagram that was really a relief but at the same time really scary for me to post:

One reason is because on the right, I'm wearing a crop top and short shorts. Something I haven't dared to do in literally years. It's been so scary for me, and I went an entire day dressed like that. My mom almost said something rude, which is her M.O. but I think she could tell it was important to me and watched herself.

The second is that although I can be cavalier about my old eating disorder, I still don't really like to show the difference. On the left was me about 90 pounds ago. I've always been the same height. I was sick. I didn't eat or if I did I snacked on things like gummies and dry cereal. Or apples and one egg. I used to say I'd kill myself if I ever dared reach 125 pounds. What a difference about 8 years makes. I backtrack sometimes and slip up but an eating disorder is a lifetime thing.

I'm going to keep pushing. I told a boy today that he was important to me and even though I know it's going to take me a while before I can trust anyone again, it was nice to know my feelings haven't completely just diminished. 

My family is fighting, I swore in front of my grandma for the first time and told them to deal with their problems on their own because with my anxiety, things like that kill me.

It's going to be a day by day thing. I'm angry, I'm hurt, I cry a lot, I have panic attacks, my self worth can take a dive so quickly, but as long as I keep pushing myself, I think I can at least achieve some sort of normalcy.

Rolfball season!

Current Weight: 192.2 lbs
This Week's Loss: 1 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 13.2 lbs
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Current Weight: 193.2 lbs
This Week's Loss: 1.4 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 12.2 lbs

Essentially here we have two weeks of weight loss. I definitely started a post last week and then had to go to work way earlier than I planned, so I ditched the post and haven't had time to post again due to my overwhelming amount of busy lately. (That's no excuse though, I'll start blog planning or something cause that's ridic.)

I started running more with my perfect pup! When I take her out, if she's not feeling super lazy, she'll run along with me pretty well so we'll do some sprints or jog around my apartment. It's also getting warm, so that means another summer of ROLFBALL!

I got to wear shorts again finally! And they were too big for me! If you don't get how exciting that is for me, I wore those shorts last year and the tops kind of rolled and I felt SUPER self conscious wearing them in public! Now they're TOO BIG for me!

and rolfball every sunday is going to be PERFECT exercise for me. And since I'm sure rolfball is not a world renown sport, I'll briefly explain.

Basically, you get people on two sides of a tennis court net. I don't even know if it matters how many people, tbh. We just split up teams. Then we take two volleyballs, and you serve them. You can't hit the ball till it touches the ground.  If you do, or if it slams you in the face three times (ahem, my life) then it's called being rolfed and the other team gets a point. You play till 21 and I love it because you can hit the ball with whatever part of your body you want.

I used to be big into basketball when I was younger and volleyball till I didn't make the team in Middle School, said fuck this and just quit. I miss being active and having a way to relieve stress.

I'll be busy all this weekend too, I have to work at the store in my university city this Friday, but that means I'll get to see Lauren!

She's gonna help me make one of these:

Or something similar because I think I'll be less frustrated once I can see what I'm doing. I feel good knowing I'm almost out of the 190s (for good!), but damn.

The Week of "Off Your Ass"

I need to get up. I had all these plans to go on a run after work yesterday, but instead I went grocery shopping for the first time in over a month and then had an emotional breakdown of epic proportions and fell asleep.

So, after completely wiping my adorable phone and losing a lot of numbers and whatnot:

also add me on Nike+ Running: annayatdaliese

I have re-downloaded my Nike app so that I can get back to tracking my running. I'm going to pick a workout DVD that will enable me to do... something. For about 4 months a while back I lived to wake up and go running or do my Insanity/Jillian Michaels DVDs. I don't even remember my motivation. I look in the mirror now and even with my small amount of weight loss, my body looks way different.

I don't know if it's all psychological or what, but my waist seems smaller and my pooch is smaller and when I turn sideways I'm not as poofy.

Sometimes, unexpected people being affectionate towards you can do a hell of a lot for you.

Bonus: I got a Saturday off for the first time in... 8 months? I'm photographing a friend's wedding this weekend! I'm also finishing putting together my website !

Look forward to more gems like this soon!

But until then, I'm gonna veg out at home and continue to watch House.