Jillian, what are you doing to me?!

So, today, I started the 8 week Body Revolution video of Jillian Michaels'. I seem to have misplaced one of my 3 pound weights, so I'm stuck with my 8 pounders which hurt like fucking hell. Which sounds like an exaggeration, but the thing I've always been the most "meh" about is that I can't hold my arms up for shit. In high school, I could never even lift the bars on the machines. I half-ass some things because I feel like I might injure myself if I push it too hard with them, so hopefully if I push myself a little more each day I should be good. My little "push" is dedicated to getting my ass kicked by rolfball on Sunday. I worked so many muscles, I was achey and I realized I missed not being able to sit or move from my intense workouts. So here I go again.

By the way, I'd like to point out that I have fat abs here! I'm excited that the infrequent but effective exercises I've done since my full on attempt 1.5 years ago has left some definition there. Mostly, I just want to be less wide. I'd be okay with not technically being "skinny" again, but can I not be lumpy? That's all I want. No lumps, giant ass. Come on, let's werk. Squats for DAYS!

So here's Day 1. I figure if it's 8 weeks, I'll post an update at 4 weeks and again at 8 when I'm finished so we can see how this went. Today I had queso dip, 1/3 bag of popcorn, & a quesadilla. My lunch break at work was virtually non-existent but at least I got to eat something. 

Positives of the last couple of days: I am seeing a light of the end of the tunnel, with the payments of my first $1k in hospital bills almost being paid off and being almost half paid off on both credit cards, I'm starting to breathe a bit easier. Hopefully this time next year, I'll finally be in a new job and I'll have the ability to find SOME way to go back to school with a practical skill.

In the meantime, I'm reading and re-reading. I downloaded a million free books from iBooks, HOWEVER, I haven't gotten "Gone Girl" out of my mind since reading it over 6 months ago. I found a parody book today, and now I'm reading that AND re-reading "Gone Girl". I can't tell you yet if "So Far Gone, Girl" is as hilarious as it promises, but you can guarantee that I'll let you know.

Rolfball season!

Current Weight: 192.2 lbs
This Week's Loss: 1 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 13.2 lbs
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Current Weight: 193.2 lbs
This Week's Loss: 1.4 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 12.2 lbs

Essentially here we have two weeks of weight loss. I definitely started a post last week and then had to go to work way earlier than I planned, so I ditched the post and haven't had time to post again due to my overwhelming amount of busy lately. (That's no excuse though, I'll start blog planning or something cause that's ridic.)

I started running more with my perfect pup! When I take her out, if she's not feeling super lazy, she'll run along with me pretty well so we'll do some sprints or jog around my apartment. It's also getting warm, so that means another summer of ROLFBALL!

I got to wear shorts again finally! And they were too big for me! If you don't get how exciting that is for me, I wore those shorts last year and the tops kind of rolled and I felt SUPER self conscious wearing them in public! Now they're TOO BIG for me!

and rolfball every sunday is going to be PERFECT exercise for me. And since I'm sure rolfball is not a world renown sport, I'll briefly explain.

Basically, you get people on two sides of a tennis court net. I don't even know if it matters how many people, tbh. We just split up teams. Then we take two volleyballs, and you serve them. You can't hit the ball till it touches the ground.  If you do, or if it slams you in the face three times (ahem, my life) then it's called being rolfed and the other team gets a point. You play till 21 and I love it because you can hit the ball with whatever part of your body you want.

I used to be big into basketball when I was younger and volleyball till I didn't make the team in Middle School, said fuck this and just quit. I miss being active and having a way to relieve stress.

I'll be busy all this weekend too, I have to work at the store in my university city this Friday, but that means I'll get to see Lauren!

She's gonna help me make one of these:

Or something similar because I think I'll be less frustrated once I can see what I'm doing. I feel good knowing I'm almost out of the 190s (for good!), but damn.

2 Off Days, WHAT?!

First off, it's Weigh In Wednesday! But naming every Wednesday post that would get drab, so I'll just lead off with it!

Current Weight: 194.6 lbs
This Week's Loss: 2.6 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 11.1 lbs

I still have yet to exercise minus taking my dog out for her 2-3 walks a day so I know I could be losing faster if I would stop laying in bed with her every morning. Whatever.

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So this week somehow I got two days off in a row. I'm definitely going to use it to the best of my ability. I need to take Belle for a spa day, I'm pretty darn sure her nails need a good clipping. I need to see my handsome grandpa,

I desperately need an oil change, and I haven't gotten to go anywhere and just hang out with friends in a while. So, I'm gonna have some dinner and dancing tomorrow night with my lady friends and hopefully get to go for a run! I think the weather is finally going to be not awful!

I'm also trying this thing where I let the bank take money out of all my paychecks so I have a bit of a savings and it is KILLING ME. I keep having random hospital expenses pop up out of nowhere so I'm having to move things around and I'm trying to see what kind of health insurance to get but the plans are all so confusing x_x

Especially with someone like me who has all the health problems known to man and some to freaking space monkeys.

Ah well, I'll figure it out. And hopefully being 2.6 pounds less as of this morning will override any asshole customer that comes through my door today! 

Dogs have belly buttons? (/Belated Weigh in Wednesday)

I lost two pounds as of Wednesday I just was super busy and forgot to post! So!

Current Weight:
203.4

Which makes for a total weight loss of 2 pounds. (This is from Wednesday, I haven't looked to weigh myself even though it's killing me). I will admit this week I've been doing awful because my schedule has made it that my boyfriend is home whenever I am and I hate hate hate working out with him in the house but I also refuse to go to the gym at that time because it's packed.

Guess there's going to always be some residual shyness and reluctance. I had a job interview Wednesday and if I get it I get a regular work day (8-5!) and it gives me the ability to try to obtain my masters degree in Social Work!

Do you know that I would be the happiest little duck?

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Any way, while rubbing my dog's belly today I realized that dogs have belly buttons which sounds totally ignorant on my part because well... mammals but I guess I just never thought about it. I tried so hard to tell my boyfriend he was wrong, but alas it was me.

I also got to finally finish editing the pictures of the shelter animals! I had a partial snow day today which helped me sort of figure out where my website is going? But not really. I feel like I'm half-assing a lot because I'm scared that if my work life stays the same, I'll never be able to seriously shoot again. I miss weddings, I miss seniors, I miss playing with babies. It sucks missing out on your passion because you need a paycheck. I kind of hate it.

I just need things to fall a little bit more neatly into place. Especially considering I work 6 11 hour days this week. I'm already exhausted and this isn't going to help. 

I'm trying not to whine and throw around "it's not fair"s but it's awful hard right now. Especially seeing my boyfriend come home after his 8 hour day and his two days off and get to do whatever he wants with no real consequences, but I have to stay late at work even on my 11 hour days and get screamed at and talked down to all day.

There is no respect for women in any kind of technical field.

Especially where I live. It's exhausting to have to explain to so many people that I know what I'm talking about. If I could just kick out every sexist asshole that walked through the door.... We'd be out of customers. Yikes.

Yikes.

Body positivity is something I've always advocated. But it's easier for me to feel that way about other people than for myself. With clothes on I've never really thought I've looked that bad. But the minute I look at my tiger stripes on my tummy or flash my ass by a mirror I wanna die. I've come a long way, and you can see that line of weird ab under fat I've got, but I don't know. My biggest struggle is going to always be me being a picky eater. I'm trying to become better at snacking, I'm getting my ass up and doing something 3-4x a week. It's a start.

 I've also decided I'm going to switch my gym membership. No more Planet Fitness. For $15 more I can have access to more clubs, a pool, and classes! Like zumba and some other things that I've always wanted to try. I avoided it because of money for a while, but I think I can manage only a few dollars more. For those days I just won't do Insanity (mostly because my boyfriend is home and I get embarrassed, true story).

Everyone has to start somewhere, right? And this picture probably isn't fair, I've been kicking my own ass for two weeks now. There's some minor changes but my biggest concentration is going to be my flabby tummy.

In the meantime, here's my mini trainer. I did push ups and she gave me kisses every time I was on the way down. Also take the term push ups extremely lightly here. It's the one thing I've never been able to really do effectively.

It's hard being someone who was always super thin (not from anything safe) but then ballooning up and not knowing how to "fix"it. I even for about two seconds thought about a Keto diet but knowing I could experience flu like symptoms meant a no go. Juicing I've seen the sickly effects of. I've just got to stick on this weight watchers track, but man is it tough.

But here goes nothin'!

Anxiety's a bitch!

No need to get down into the 5 million roots of my deep... rooted anxiety. You just need to know that I have it. And it sucks. & I just realized my last refill for my Xanax should have been filled before December of last year.

So tonight after deciding to give zero amount of cares about the silence that has permeated my apartment, I went to the gym. After being yelled at at work, getting a hysterical phone call from my mother, realizing my house was foodless for the fourth day in a row, I was done. 

There was also a half assed news update (which should be TOTALLY against some sort of policy somewhere) where they said that a local school district had been locked down due to a shooting. Just so happens it's where all three of my siblings attend. Now no one will answer their phones, I'm hysterical. It was just... a day.

Regardless the motivation! I went!

I decided to get my ass up, I needed to start some sort of routine. So, I started back up my Couch to 5k. It's what got me in gear a year ago when I lost that crucial first 15 pounds, it's what I'll use now. Accompanied by some weights and the occasional bout of Insanity/Jillian Michaels.

So, today I ran 2.02 miles in 35:00. Super slow, but considering how I was doing the run/walk spree with a jog afterwards, I'm great. 

Leg Press: 100 pounds 3 sets of 12

Hip Abduction: 50 pounds 3 sets of 12
Hip Adduction: 80 pounds 3 sets of 12

And after that I still didn't really want to go home so I busted out another quick mile on the elliptical.

And I filed my taxes and I got in my boyfriend's second Valentine's Day present today.

Game of Thrones rings! I bought them in this etsy shop and I am so happy with the outcome. They're generally flexible so you can adapt them to your size even if you're off by a bit.

&  In case this is totally foreign to you, there's these two precious pet names for this man named Drogo and his Khaleesi. They call each other "my sun and stars" and "moon of my life". 

Here's to hoping for a grocery store trip tomorrow!

Holy Workout Batman!

Okay, first of all I moved my blog from Wordpress to here because of imaginary peer pressure in my head. So pretend like I did an introduction post and blah blah blah.

First off, it's Wednesday so I did weigh in and I'll try to glance past the fact that in the past three weeks I've actually gained 4 pounds and I'm sitting pretty at 205 right now. Just when I was almost successfully out of the 200 club, I lost my dog, I went out of town where no one cooked and I had two margarita pitchers to myself, & I did not set foot on a treadmill.

Like, look at this

Basically, I made a shit ton of poor choices and I'm kicking myself for it now. At least my plate was 95% broccoli?

So this morning, I took the last can of chicken soup (2 points I believe? I don't have my phone near me.) and for lunch I had some cheese fries, but then I worked my ASS off at Title Boxing Club. Oh. My. Goodness.

I'm trying to decide whether or not it's something I want to keep doing. My boyfriend is 110% set on it, but it's another $50 a month and when I'm looking at finances, I don't know if it's a good choice. I can just ramp up on exercising at home and I'm still paying for a Planet Fitness membership that I sometimes use.

Regardless, now that I'm home I've switched gears and even though Im probably going to bed sweaty, I'm about to tear into some pasta with some olive oil and parmesan!

Next week, I'm going to have a better result. Bet your bottom dollar.