Weigh-In Wednesday

Today's Weight: 197.2 lbs
This week's loss: 2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 8.5 lbs

So I've done a little better. I've tried to take the guilt away from eating, it's just hard. What's been pushing me through is knowing that I don't want to do something embarrassing like passing out somewhere from lack of nutrition.

When my EDO first developed in middle/high school my grandpa is the one that figured out what I was doing and took me aside and tried to "fix me" at first and I took him so seriously. Now, I live on my own, I have to be responsible for myself and it's just hard. I don't want to go buy groceries, I don't want to get up and cook, I don't want to spend money going out so I just.. don't.

The issue is when someone wants to do lunch or when I think about asking someone my throat closes up and all I hear in my head is that I shouldn't because I'm too big and that no one's going to love me while I look like this. 

Which is stupid.

In my heart of hearts I of course know this but I just got out of a relationship where my weight was harped on continuously and now all I know how to do is feel like shit and feel gross. If I hadn't used up my charlie brown ugh a couple posts ago I'd be doing it now.

I guess on to bigger and better things.

I did get to enjoy myself this Monday at the Childish Gambino concert! So, that's a huge plus.

Thank God for these girls, honestly. If you've heard me talk I have a lot of "bests" but these two, man. My rocks. I can call them or text them at any time and I know someone's gonna pick up. Not featured is my other guardian angel, Niccy who I miss dearly. And of course Robin. I need to remember how wonderful my support system is.

My grandmother texted me needing help towards the end of the night so the bar didn't happen and I'm just having stuff pile up. I'm trying hard not to break down under the weight of it all. I'm crossing my fingers that I get the job I interviewed for this week, but I'm gonna live life like I didn't.

I'm trying to be mature about this break-up and not be rude regardless of how I've been treated. It's so hard because I'm hurt and because I'm searching for any kind of anything that could be resembled as a friendship between us... It's just pretty grim looking right now.

I'm gonna just keep my head up and do what I can surrounding myself with my friends and trying to get back into exercising and hate my job a little bit less. I'll go back to applying just in case.