Summertime Shenanigans

So, I decided to change my official weigh-in day to Monday. I usually don't work Mondays and I have been consistently forgetting to weigh in on Wednesdays so this all works in everyone's favor.

Current weight: 189.6
Loss: 2.2 pounds
Total weight loss: 16.1 pounds!!!!

I finally broke the 15 pound hump after being on a plateau for like three weeks! I think being broke and portioning my food accordingly helped a lot so thanks job for giving me approximately no money! You helped out. I'm also finally out of the 190s! I know my weight will probably jump around here for a while before being out of them for good, but it's a light at the end of the tunnel!

         

 

I've been shooting more and it's been making my heart super happy. I've been otherwise anxious, but I've booked two weddings one for the end of August and one for next year, so it's been a boost of confidence, absolutely.

and one more. I'm going to need to start my blog for photos back up. I miss it. 

Here's to hoping i made good food decisions this week!!

UGH I'M SORRY

First of all, I have already sucked and stopped the Body Resolution. 50% due to lack of motivation, 50% due to lack of a resistance cable so doing some of the things felt pointless. I am however on a new journey and that journey involves Insanity or T25 again.

(I'm sitting at 191.8 pounds which is only a -.4 weight loss since last time I updated this, but I'm not making it official because my plateau/weight fluctuation has been super frustrating me for weeks now)

Today's a big day for me! I'm buying my first swimsuit in like 4 years! I'm thinking high-waisted bottoms with a bikini top? It's going to be super weird doing this. My boobs are honestly my favorite part of me (but they're shrinking!!) and my butt is my least favorite with its weird stretch marks and if I can get my tummy to not have that weird bottom pooch, I'd be golden.

I've been setting little goals for myself and I'm still forcing myself to branch out and try different foods and I bought a healthy cooking book to get recipes from. I'm going to try things like flank steak with guacamole!

It's been hectic and busy for me, hence the lack of updates. As little as last week I had a friend die that I was really close with my freshman year and we've facebook messaged a couple of times since then, but it was still really jarring and I don't like talking about it. I had a childhood best friend die a few years back and I did the same thing I'm doing now. I shut down, I refuse to go to any memorials, I act like it didn't happen. It's something I absolutely know I need to work on.

But my insurance kicks in June 1st! Which means therapy for me!!

I'll be really excited because my grandpa's health is on a serious decline. He sleeps most of the day now and won't open his mouth to eat and it sucks. It sucks a lot. And with my multiple diagnosises that range from my mom's "you'll be okay" to several therapist explaining that I have dysthymia to major depression with severe anxiety, I just want a break.

And! I have 30 days until my cute new army boy comes home from Georgia so I just have to be patient. This could be really good for me, or this could make me regret already breaking my promise not to even look at a boy in relationship standards for like ever.

WISH ME LUCK.

Jillian, what are you doing to me?!

So, today, I started the 8 week Body Revolution video of Jillian Michaels'. I seem to have misplaced one of my 3 pound weights, so I'm stuck with my 8 pounders which hurt like fucking hell. Which sounds like an exaggeration, but the thing I've always been the most "meh" about is that I can't hold my arms up for shit. In high school, I could never even lift the bars on the machines. I half-ass some things because I feel like I might injure myself if I push it too hard with them, so hopefully if I push myself a little more each day I should be good. My little "push" is dedicated to getting my ass kicked by rolfball on Sunday. I worked so many muscles, I was achey and I realized I missed not being able to sit or move from my intense workouts. So here I go again.

By the way, I'd like to point out that I have fat abs here! I'm excited that the infrequent but effective exercises I've done since my full on attempt 1.5 years ago has left some definition there. Mostly, I just want to be less wide. I'd be okay with not technically being "skinny" again, but can I not be lumpy? That's all I want. No lumps, giant ass. Come on, let's werk. Squats for DAYS!

So here's Day 1. I figure if it's 8 weeks, I'll post an update at 4 weeks and again at 8 when I'm finished so we can see how this went. Today I had queso dip, 1/3 bag of popcorn, & a quesadilla. My lunch break at work was virtually non-existent but at least I got to eat something. 

Positives of the last couple of days: I am seeing a light of the end of the tunnel, with the payments of my first $1k in hospital bills almost being paid off and being almost half paid off on both credit cards, I'm starting to breathe a bit easier. Hopefully this time next year, I'll finally be in a new job and I'll have the ability to find SOME way to go back to school with a practical skill.

In the meantime, I'm reading and re-reading. I downloaded a million free books from iBooks, HOWEVER, I haven't gotten "Gone Girl" out of my mind since reading it over 6 months ago. I found a parody book today, and now I'm reading that AND re-reading "Gone Girl". I can't tell you yet if "So Far Gone, Girl" is as hilarious as it promises, but you can guarantee that I'll let you know.

House M.D.

That has been what my whole life has consisted of lately. I wasn't in my apartment when I woke up this morning and was nowhere near a scale, so I'm going to weigh myself in the morning. I had the day off. I cleaned a bit, edited a bit, realized my last pork chop was bad and that it was literally the last ounce of food I had in my apartment, so I had a random trip to the grocery store.

So here's the thing, I've decided that if I'm ever going to be a successful adult and work through my anxiety without a therapist (until I can afford one which will be in the next couple of months, fingers crossed) I have decided that I'm going to push myself.

This, as corny as it is, has actually been in the back of my mind for the past two weeks:

I had a weird childhood. I grew up really fucking fast and I hated it, to be honest. But, I'm 22. I'm not dead. I have no kids. I have no "real" obligations to be honest, so why do I care? Life's rough for me right now, but it's never really not been. So instead of letting everything make me upset, why can't I just work on me?

Today I bought two avocados so that I can try my hand at making guacamole. That doesn't seem like a huge deal, but I don't really travel outside of my comfort zone at all.

Yesterday, I posted a picture on instagram that was really a relief but at the same time really scary for me to post:

One reason is because on the right, I'm wearing a crop top and short shorts. Something I haven't dared to do in literally years. It's been so scary for me, and I went an entire day dressed like that. My mom almost said something rude, which is her M.O. but I think she could tell it was important to me and watched herself.

The second is that although I can be cavalier about my old eating disorder, I still don't really like to show the difference. On the left was me about 90 pounds ago. I've always been the same height. I was sick. I didn't eat or if I did I snacked on things like gummies and dry cereal. Or apples and one egg. I used to say I'd kill myself if I ever dared reach 125 pounds. What a difference about 8 years makes. I backtrack sometimes and slip up but an eating disorder is a lifetime thing.

I'm going to keep pushing. I told a boy today that he was important to me and even though I know it's going to take me a while before I can trust anyone again, it was nice to know my feelings haven't completely just diminished. 

My family is fighting, I swore in front of my grandma for the first time and told them to deal with their problems on their own because with my anxiety, things like that kill me.

It's going to be a day by day thing. I'm angry, I'm hurt, I cry a lot, I have panic attacks, my self worth can take a dive so quickly, but as long as I keep pushing myself, I think I can at least achieve some sort of normalcy.

Rolfball season!

Current Weight: 192.2 lbs
This Week's Loss: 1 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 13.2 lbs
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Current Weight: 193.2 lbs
This Week's Loss: 1.4 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 12.2 lbs

Essentially here we have two weeks of weight loss. I definitely started a post last week and then had to go to work way earlier than I planned, so I ditched the post and haven't had time to post again due to my overwhelming amount of busy lately. (That's no excuse though, I'll start blog planning or something cause that's ridic.)

I started running more with my perfect pup! When I take her out, if she's not feeling super lazy, she'll run along with me pretty well so we'll do some sprints or jog around my apartment. It's also getting warm, so that means another summer of ROLFBALL!

I got to wear shorts again finally! And they were too big for me! If you don't get how exciting that is for me, I wore those shorts last year and the tops kind of rolled and I felt SUPER self conscious wearing them in public! Now they're TOO BIG for me!

and rolfball every sunday is going to be PERFECT exercise for me. And since I'm sure rolfball is not a world renown sport, I'll briefly explain.

Basically, you get people on two sides of a tennis court net. I don't even know if it matters how many people, tbh. We just split up teams. Then we take two volleyballs, and you serve them. You can't hit the ball till it touches the ground.  If you do, or if it slams you in the face three times (ahem, my life) then it's called being rolfed and the other team gets a point. You play till 21 and I love it because you can hit the ball with whatever part of your body you want.

I used to be big into basketball when I was younger and volleyball till I didn't make the team in Middle School, said fuck this and just quit. I miss being active and having a way to relieve stress.

I'll be busy all this weekend too, I have to work at the store in my university city this Friday, but that means I'll get to see Lauren!

She's gonna help me make one of these:

Or something similar because I think I'll be less frustrated once I can see what I'm doing. I feel good knowing I'm almost out of the 190s (for good!), but damn.