2 Off Days, WHAT?!

First off, it's Weigh In Wednesday! But naming every Wednesday post that would get drab, so I'll just lead off with it!

Current Weight: 194.6 lbs
This Week's Loss: 2.6 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 11.1 lbs

I still have yet to exercise minus taking my dog out for her 2-3 walks a day so I know I could be losing faster if I would stop laying in bed with her every morning. Whatever.

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So this week somehow I got two days off in a row. I'm definitely going to use it to the best of my ability. I need to take Belle for a spa day, I'm pretty darn sure her nails need a good clipping. I need to see my handsome grandpa,

I desperately need an oil change, and I haven't gotten to go anywhere and just hang out with friends in a while. So, I'm gonna have some dinner and dancing tomorrow night with my lady friends and hopefully get to go for a run! I think the weather is finally going to be not awful!

I'm also trying this thing where I let the bank take money out of all my paychecks so I have a bit of a savings and it is KILLING ME. I keep having random hospital expenses pop up out of nowhere so I'm having to move things around and I'm trying to see what kind of health insurance to get but the plans are all so confusing x_x

Especially with someone like me who has all the health problems known to man and some to freaking space monkeys.

Ah well, I'll figure it out. And hopefully being 2.6 pounds less as of this morning will override any asshole customer that comes through my door today! 

Has anyone seen my motivation?

I have honestly been looking for it everywhere.

I'm trying to force myself to blog about things other than me losing weight, but it's what I've been obsessed with. I've weighed myself WAY too many times and I know it's good that I'm seeing the signs of myself tripping up and ending up sick again, but I still need to take positive steps towards doing this right.

So I'm gonna type this one last thing then we're moving on with this post:
I bought new pants at Target for an interview last week... I've doubled them as my work slacks. Yesterday I went to shower and unbuttoned my pants and they literally just fell off. I don't even have to unbutton them to get them off my body. S-U-C-C-E-S-S.

I just wish I had the same anxiety filled motivation that I used to have without the anxiety. Now I sit here and just watch tv shows and then wait to go to work. I'll clean and stuff but I don't have the sense of urgency I used to have. I'm going to go ahead and blame it on the part of me that wants to take care of everyone and be seen as a good partner. I need to fix that. It was killing me.

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This is what my bathroom currently looks like. Anyone who knows me should be shocked as hell right now. That whole black crate? Make up. And I have face wash! And Sephora products! (Thanks to a little angel named Bergundy that had a gift card she was never going to use)

I got to see Robin for 4.5 seconds last week (I plan on seeing her for longer this week! A trip to my college town is way over due) and we ended up getting me new foundation and then some face wash from Dillard's (because free things were involved) and I spent WAY too much money, but on the plus size, I'll have smaller pores!

I've also been working more nights so my mornings have been filled with beagle snuggles. She's a frustrating little booger and definitely ate like 1/4 a bag of sugar when I went to work the other day, but I love her. She's made nights suck a little less for me and she's been helping me get my exercise in. She's kind of a couch potato but she definitely will run for a least a second if I take the lead! 

I'm praying when I go down to Warrensburg this weekend that it's warm! I'd love to run with Robin (and probably die because she's faster than me and I'm generally embarrassed to do workout things with her, but I'll take one for the team. I need a run). I can't really do much other than run around my building here... I live next to a highway.

And my new favorite picture of all time featuring one of my bests and my dog. They've bonded weirdly and whenever he leaves, Belle gets all up in arms and it's precious.

Weigh-In Wednesday

Today's Weight: 197.2 lbs
This week's loss: 2 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 8.5 lbs

So I've done a little better. I've tried to take the guilt away from eating, it's just hard. What's been pushing me through is knowing that I don't want to do something embarrassing like passing out somewhere from lack of nutrition.

When my EDO first developed in middle/high school my grandpa is the one that figured out what I was doing and took me aside and tried to "fix me" at first and I took him so seriously. Now, I live on my own, I have to be responsible for myself and it's just hard. I don't want to go buy groceries, I don't want to get up and cook, I don't want to spend money going out so I just.. don't.

The issue is when someone wants to do lunch or when I think about asking someone my throat closes up and all I hear in my head is that I shouldn't because I'm too big and that no one's going to love me while I look like this. 

Which is stupid.

In my heart of hearts I of course know this but I just got out of a relationship where my weight was harped on continuously and now all I know how to do is feel like shit and feel gross. If I hadn't used up my charlie brown ugh a couple posts ago I'd be doing it now.

I guess on to bigger and better things.

I did get to enjoy myself this Monday at the Childish Gambino concert! So, that's a huge plus.

Thank God for these girls, honestly. If you've heard me talk I have a lot of "bests" but these two, man. My rocks. I can call them or text them at any time and I know someone's gonna pick up. Not featured is my other guardian angel, Niccy who I miss dearly. And of course Robin. I need to remember how wonderful my support system is.

My grandmother texted me needing help towards the end of the night so the bar didn't happen and I'm just having stuff pile up. I'm trying hard not to break down under the weight of it all. I'm crossing my fingers that I get the job I interviewed for this week, but I'm gonna live life like I didn't.

I'm trying to be mature about this break-up and not be rude regardless of how I've been treated. It's so hard because I'm hurt and because I'm searching for any kind of anything that could be resembled as a friendship between us... It's just pretty grim looking right now.

I'm gonna just keep my head up and do what I can surrounding myself with my friends and trying to get back into exercising and hate my job a little bit less. I'll go back to applying just in case.

Weigh-In Wednesday

199.2 pounds

And I wish I could say it was a lot of hard work and motivation, but I got dumped on sunday and eating has been pretty awful. I've been exercising to keep my mind off things but I can't.

I have honestly never been left before. I do all the leaving because I know when it's time to get out. But when someone tells you their plans with you for the future and they let all this shit fall out of their mouths you believe it.

And I'm not going to use this post to bad mouth anyone but I can honestly say I'm pretty done. I've had a lot of awful luck with relationships in the past like you wouldn't believe and after this one and everything I've had to hear I'm done.

What's the point of a relationship when two people aren't in it? When one is struggling along without telling the other. It was six months where I was oblivious but only because all my questions went unanswered.

But the relationship all in all I guess was not healthy. If I'm trying to lose weight having someone in my ear reminding me that he likes thin girls better isn't motivation. It's a set back because now I'm constantly worrying "What if I get there and I'm not thin enough"especially after my previous EDO issues.

I'm going to teach myself that behavior that I don't accept when it's not changed by talking just needs to be cut loose. No, it wasn't the worst I've ever experienced but that doesn't excuse anything. & After three days trying to figure out what went wrong, now that I know for sure and I got to hear a comprehensive list about all the things that make me not right for him, I'm good.

I'm going to move on, walls go up, worry about myself.

And maybe this will result in my push to have a hot body and spite him. Fuck it.

Dogs have belly buttons? (/Belated Weigh in Wednesday)

I lost two pounds as of Wednesday I just was super busy and forgot to post! So!

Current Weight:
203.4

Which makes for a total weight loss of 2 pounds. (This is from Wednesday, I haven't looked to weigh myself even though it's killing me). I will admit this week I've been doing awful because my schedule has made it that my boyfriend is home whenever I am and I hate hate hate working out with him in the house but I also refuse to go to the gym at that time because it's packed.

Guess there's going to always be some residual shyness and reluctance. I had a job interview Wednesday and if I get it I get a regular work day (8-5!) and it gives me the ability to try to obtain my masters degree in Social Work!

Do you know that I would be the happiest little duck?

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Any way, while rubbing my dog's belly today I realized that dogs have belly buttons which sounds totally ignorant on my part because well... mammals but I guess I just never thought about it. I tried so hard to tell my boyfriend he was wrong, but alas it was me.

I also got to finally finish editing the pictures of the shelter animals! I had a partial snow day today which helped me sort of figure out where my website is going? But not really. I feel like I'm half-assing a lot because I'm scared that if my work life stays the same, I'll never be able to seriously shoot again. I miss weddings, I miss seniors, I miss playing with babies. It sucks missing out on your passion because you need a paycheck. I kind of hate it.

I just need things to fall a little bit more neatly into place. Especially considering I work 6 11 hour days this week. I'm already exhausted and this isn't going to help. 

I'm trying not to whine and throw around "it's not fair"s but it's awful hard right now. Especially seeing my boyfriend come home after his 8 hour day and his two days off and get to do whatever he wants with no real consequences, but I have to stay late at work even on my 11 hour days and get screamed at and talked down to all day.

There is no respect for women in any kind of technical field.

Especially where I live. It's exhausting to have to explain to so many people that I know what I'm talking about. If I could just kick out every sexist asshole that walked through the door.... We'd be out of customers. Yikes.